Engineers and Managers

Three managers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three managers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

„How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?“ asks a manager.

„Watch and you’ll see,“ answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The managers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, „Ticket, please.“ The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The managers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

„How are you going to travel without a ticket?“ says one perplexed manager.

„Watch and you’ll see,“ answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three managers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the managers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, „Ticket, please.“

Engineer and Manager 2

I hear that with a manager on the balloon and an engineer on the ground. The manager was lost and said to the person on ground „Hey you, do you know where I am?“ The engineer replied „You are on a hot air balloon, approximately 10 m from the ground heading north-north-west at about 1 m/s“.

The manager, irked, shouted back „You must be an engineer, your answer is correct but doesn’t help a bit!“. The engineer snapped back „And you must be a manager. You got where you are by hot air and it was entirely your fault that you’re lost, but somehow it now sounds like it’s my fault!“

Logic puzzle

Nina is 21 years older than her son Kay. In 6 years from now, Nina will be 5 times as old as Kay. Question : Where is Kays dad?

Frosch

Zeigt der Programmierer einen sprechenden Frosch rum. Der Frosch quäkt laut: Küss mich endlich, ich bin eine Prinzessin! Da sagt der Programmierer: Nö … für eine Freundin habe ich keine Zeit, aber ein sprechender Frosch, das ist cool.

Programmierer bei Einkaufen

Ein Programmierer wird von seiner Frau einkaufen geschickt: „Schatz, bring bitte ein Brot mit. Und wenn sie Eier haben, dann sechs davon.“ Eine halbe Stunde später (es ist eine Kleinstadt) ist der Mann zurück. Er trägt sechs Brote unter dem Arm. „Warum hast Du denn _sechs_ Brote mitgebracht, um Himmels willen?“ „Sie hatten Eier.“

C

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert’s Symphony Number 9. — Erwin Dieterich, programmer

Steuerprüfung

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed…

… „Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.“

„I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,“ says Ralph. „How about a demonstration?“

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, „Okay. Go ahead.“
Ralph says, „I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.“

The auditor thinks a moment and says, „No way! It’s a bet.“

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Ralph says, „Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.“

The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

„Want to go double or nothing?“ Ralph asks. „I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.“

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

„Are you okay?“ the auditor asks.

„Not really,“ says the attorney. „This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.“

Having Mom over for Dinner

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate Jennifer was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‚I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.‘

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‚Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?‘ Brian said, ‚Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‚did‘ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‚did not‘ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‚do‘ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‚do not‘ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love,  Mom

Mathematics

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road…

Ten minutes later, three men walk out.

The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”

The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”

To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”

 Logicans

Reminds me of: Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher puts their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face. After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: „Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!“. „That’s the thing! I’m mostly recognised by my face!“

Philosophy

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice. „My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.“

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father’s advice and asks the girl, „Do you like potato pancakes?“

„No,“ comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

„Do you have a brother?“ „No.“

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: „If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?“